When Love Fades Away

That summer when I was 18, Ryan took my virginity.

I endured the pain, but secretly felt happy all night long, thinking my six years of secret love had finally come to fruition.

Until the next day, when I overheard his friends teasing him:

Not bad, you scored with the class beauty.

I felt embarrassed and was about to quietly leave.

Then I heard Ryan's casual reply:

"I want to pursue the school beauty, but I'm afraid she'll think I'm too inexperienced.

"So I'm using Mia to practice my skills first."

I didn't say anything. At the last moment before the deadline, I silently changed my college application from New York to Florida.

Ryan's words hit me like a bolt from the blue, completely catching me off guard.

My mind went blank instantly.

On such a hot summer afternoon, I felt chills all over my body.

The conversation in the classroom continued. The others seemed stunned for a moment before speaking again.

"As expected of Ryan, even the class beauty is just practice for him."

"Doesn't that make her like, you know, a maid for 'special services' in those old wealthy families?"

Ryan laughed carelessly:

"Don't talk nonsense. It's not like she's losing out."

Someone immediately agreed.

"That's right, the class beauty has gotten a bit thin. Compared to the school beauty, her figure is..."

Ryan irritably threw a book at him, interrupting his comment.

"It was just a moment of impulse. The mood was right, and she seemed to be struggling to hold back too..."

The others exchanged knowing looks and teased him:

"Who would've thought the class beauty was the sultry type."

"Tsk tsk, it's our Ryan's irresistible charm. Might as well eat the meat right in front of you."

"The class beauty has been chasing after Ryan for so many years. I guess she finally got her wish. She probably wanted to jump him long ago."

The laughter in the room grew noticeably louder.

I bit my lip hard, my hands clenched into tight fists.

It took all my strength to keep steady and not collapse at the classroom door.

Footsteps approached from the end of the hallway.

I snapped back to my senses and fled the scene in a panic.

In my confusion, I hid in a bathroom stall.

Tears of heartbreak and humiliation were already flowing freely.

Ryan's words echoed in my mind over and over, nearly destroying all of my self-esteem.

If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I never would have believed that he was the same person who had been so passionately intimate with me just last night.

So it turns out you can do such intimate things even without love.

Even in the most passionate, irrational moments, it's possible to lie and deceive.

What I foolishly thought was the culmination of our relationship was nothing more than a joke to others.

The more I cried, the more upset I became.

But I didn't dare make any loud sounds. My body kept shaking uncontrollably.

After a long while.

My phone buzzed with a message notification.

It was from Ryan.

[Take a cab home yourself. My class is having a party tonight, so it's not convenient for me to take you.]

I didn't reply.

He added another message.

[Remember to buy the morning-after pill yourself. I'm too busy today. Make sure to take it, be good.]

I stared at these two messages for a long time, speechless.

Last night, from dusk till dawn, Ryan had worn me out over and over again.

Before falling asleep exhausted in each other's arms, he had whispered twice:

"I wasn't fully prepared for our first time. I'll definitely buy you the pill tomorrow."

He even reminded me that girls need to protect themselves, and that I must take the morning-after pill or it could be very harmful to my body.

At the time, I thought he was being so responsible towards me. I thought I had finally found my happiness.

But now...

In an instant, I sobered up considerably.

I pinched my palm hard, forcing myself to stop crying.

I wiped away my tears, composed myself, and left the bathroom.

Too embarrassed to go to the pharmacy, I just ordered the pill online.

After the delivery driver left it at the door, I waited a long time before I dared to sneak out and retrieve it.

After swallowing the pill with tears in my eyes, I seemed to lose all my strength. I just sat numbly on the carpet, staring blankly.

Ever since Ryan's family moved in next door, I had followed him around like a little puppy for ten years.

I had never imagined what a world without him would be like.

I didn't dare to imagine it.

But from now on, I would be alone.

Outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, lights came on one after another, then gradually went out.

I don't know how much time passed before my best friend Lily video called me.

"Mia, why didn't you come to our class party with Ryan tonight?

"That Claire from the liberal arts class showed up instead. She's been clinging to Ryan while you're not here. The two of them are being so gross."

Lily turned the camera to show me.

In a dark corner of the private room, Ryan and Claire, the school beauty, were sitting very close together.

Claire was wearing a crop top and tight jeans tonight, showing off her slim waist and long legs.

The two of them were clearly separated from the rest of the group.

Even when they talked, it looked like they were whispering sweet nothings to each other.

The flirtatious atmosphere was palpable even through the screen.

My chest tightened uncontrollably.

Ryan had just said this afternoon that he wanted to pursue her. It seems he had already succeeded by evening.

Claire drew a "Truth or Dare" card that required her to do push-ups with a guy on top. She had to choose a male participant.

Unsurprisingly, Ryan immediately volunteered.

Everyone started cheering and teasing them.

Claire's face turned red as she obediently lay down on the sofa.

Ryan positioned himself above her and easily did dozens of push-ups.

He was very restrained the whole time, carefully avoiding touching Claire's body.

Until the very last one, whether he finally lost his strength or did it on purpose.

He couldn't hold himself up and collapsed directly on top of Claire.

The screams around them grew even louder, nearly taking the roof off.

Ryan and Claire's faces turned even redder.

Amid the crowd's frenzied cheering, Ryan simply lowered his head and kissed Claire.

The two of them made out passionately, oblivious to everyone else.

It went on for a full three minutes before they reluctantly separated.

During those endless three minutes, I stared at the screen unblinkingly, so shocked I almost forgot to breathe.

My heart felt like it was being torn apart.

I wanted to cry, but I had cried too much earlier without drinking water, so I had no tears left.

"Tsk tsk tsk, Mia did you see that clearly? They were French kissing with tongue and everything. He's totally into her."

Lily sighed as she turned the camera and left the private room.

She found a quiet corner and earnestly advised me:

"Mia, don't blame me. If I didn't let you see it with your own eyes, you wouldn't give up on him."

My throat was dry and the sounds I made were barely audible.

"Mm, I don't blame you."

I only blame myself for being so stupid for so many years.

I thought that since I was always allowed to follow Ryan around, that position by his side would always be mine.

"I just can't stand Ryan. What gives him the right to string you along for years, knowing you like him, pretending to be an innocent boy while watching you fall deeper and deeper.

"Now you've seen it clearly. I really hope you'll seriously reconsider. Don't let him waste another four years of your life in college..."

"I won't, Lily."

I interrupted her, stating calmly.

"I won't give myself another chance.

"Lily, I've decided. I'm going to college in Florida with you.

"But you have to promise to keep it a secret for now."

After saying that, to prevent myself from hesitating again, I opened my laptop in front of her.

Without any hesitation, at the last minute before the deadline, I changed my first choice to that famous university in Florida.

Lily was of course overjoyed.

She had been begging me to apply to the same school for a long time.

But when we first started high school, I had already made a promise with Ryan that we would work hard together and go to his dream school in New York after the SATs.

That's where his favorite aerospace program was.

So even though I didn't particularly like the cold North, and didn't have much interest in that engineering-focused school, for all three years of high school, I still made it my goal.

After being neighbors for so many years, both sets of parents were happy for us to go to the same college.

Everyone, including me, thought that Ryan and I would naturally become a couple after we became adults.

But now, I couldn't find any reason to go to New York anymore.

Or rather, after today, if I still clung to Ryan like before.

I would despise myself.

Now I just wanted to hide far away. It didn't matter where, as long as Ryan wasn't there.

If he was in the North, then I would go South.

Before bed, I filled the entire bathtub, wanting to thoroughly wash myself clean.

But when I took off my clothes, the bruises on my skin were still very visible.

Memories of last night came flooding back uncontrollably.

The scorching heat of the young man's skin as we embraced tightly, the burning breath in my ear as we made love, the lingering warmth still seemed to surround me.

I shook my head vigorously, trying to get rid of these wild thoughts.

I found the roughest loofah and scrubbed my skin over and over again, only stopping when my whole body turned red.

Clumsily trying to erase this most shameful memory of my life.

As a result, I was in so much pain that I couldn't sleep well all night.

Ryan indeed didn't send any more messages.

Breaking the habit we'd had for six years, ever since we got phones, of saying goodnight to each other without fail.

This was for the best.

It would have happened sooner or later anyway.

Might as well start detoxing from tonight.

I dozed off fitfully until nearly dawn.

The next morning while I was still sound asleep, I suddenly felt someone plant a light kiss on my forehead in my dream.

I woke up with a start.

But what I saw when I opened my eyes was a familiar chin and Adam's apple.

The scent enveloping me from above was Ryan's favorite cedar fragrance, along with a faint, unfamiliar hint of lemon.

I had almost forgotten, Ryan still knew the passcode to my front door.

Seeing that I was awake, Ryan simply moved lower, chuckling as he tried to kiss my lips.

I hurriedly turned my head to avoid it.

I pushed him away and retreated to the other side of the bed.

Ryan was stunned for a moment, then laughed at me:

"Why so shy now? Hmm?"

I didn't say anything, just pulled the covers over my head.

Ryan scolded me while trying to pull off my blanket.

"Mia, you've gotten bold, huh? You didn't even say goodnight to me last night, and you dared to turn off your phone and go to sleep.

"Now you're hiding from me?"

He deftly slipped under my covers.

Before I could react, he had wrapped me in his arms.

"Be good, how many times have I told you not to skip breakfast.

"I went for a 30-minute run specially to get you those crab roe buns you love. I queued for ages.

"Do you want to get up and eat now, or do you want to... be eaten first..."

His breath was very close to me, and his hands started roaming.

Fully awake now, I struggled desperately.

But at 5'3", I was no match for a 6'2" man.

I really couldn't understand what he was thinking. He already had Claire, why was he still messing with me?

After struggling hard for a while, I was panting heavily. I hadn't broken free, but was held even tighter.

"What are you throwing a tantrum about now?

"Are you angry? Just because I didn't take you to the party last night? Such a trivial thing?"

I didn't say anything.

He buried his face in the crook of my neck, laughing out loud.

"Let me guess, your good friend Lily tattled to you?

"It was just a game, is that worth being jealous over?

"Why are you still like before, getting all sulky whenever I get a little close to other girls."

I was furious beyond words, with no idea where to even begin.

Remembering what I learned during freshman orientation, I suddenly raised my knee and kicked him between the legs, then quickly ran off the bed while he was in pain.

"Mia!"

Ryan gritted his teeth, his face turning red.

I hurriedly threw on a shirt over my pajamas and rushed to the living room.

I didn't want to be in the same room as him, especially not my bedroom.

Not long after, Ryan also came out, looking both angry and helpless.

After a long while, he seemed to suddenly remember something and casually asked:

"By the way, you took the pill yesterday, right?"

"Don't cause any trouble. We can't explain it to our parents."

Ryan walked to the dining table and picked up a soy milk, handing it to me.

"Be good, eat something before you get angry. Your stomach isn't great to begin with."

I didn't say anything, nor did I take it.

Ryan's hand holding the soy milk hovered in the air for a long time before he finally lost patience.

"What exactly is the matter?

"Mia, even if you're throwing a tantrum, there should be a reason and a limit, right?"

I coldly replied:

"I'm not worthy."

Ryan got angry too, slamming the soy milk down hard on the coffee table.

He used too much force. The plastic cup cracked and all the soy milk instantly spilled onto the carpet.

"What do you mean?

"Who do you think you are, Mia?

"We just slept together once by mutual consent, and now you want to control me? Don't you know how suffocating that is?"

His tone was unprecedentedly fierce.

In an instant, tears streamed down my face without any buildup.

Yesterday's humiliation and grievances all came rushing back.

Ryan seemed unprepared for my sudden intense crying and was at a loss for what to do.

He apologized regretfully:

"I'm sorry, I drank too much last night. I spoke impulsively just now."

Ryan crouched down beside me as he spoke, reaching out to wipe away my tears, but I dodged him again.

He was stunned, his hand frozen in midair.

Just as he was about to continue comforting me, his phone suddenly rang.

He glanced at it once, his expression changing drastically. He immediately got up to leave.

"I have an urgent matter to attend to. Calm down by yourself first.

"We're in college now. You can't always act like a child. Who else could put up with that in the future?"

Less than half an hour after he left, Lily sent me a screenshot.

It was Claire's social media post.

[Claire: Just said I was hungry, and a loving breakfast magically appeared! Feels like my crush and I are moving towards each other~]

The photo showed packaging identical to the crab roe buns on my dining table.

I didn't reply.

I just silently wiped away my tears and crouched down to carefully clean up the soy milk Ryan had spilled.

After trying for a long time, I sadly discovered that the stain had seeped deep into the wool carpet and couldn't be removed no matter what.

In a fit of anger, I simply threw out the entire carpet.

It was the one Ryan and his parents had carefully chosen and carried back for me after an entire afternoon of shopping during their trip to Nepal anyway.

While I was at it, I gathered up all of Ryan's things left at my place, as well as all the big and small gifts he had ever given me.

I even collected all our photos together.

It took me all day to pack everything up and throw it away.

I guess he wouldn't want these old things anymore either.

After Ryan left that day, there was no news from him for several days in a row.

I suppose things were going well with the school beauty.

Or maybe he was waiting for me to give in first.

In the past, I had always been the one to make up first after every cold war, without exception.

But this time I didn't reach out to him.

There was no need to reach out anymore.

I blocked his SnapChat and phone number, changed my home's door passcode, and deleted all my social media accounts.

After doing all this, I called my parents who were away on business trips.

I told them I wanted to visit my aunt in America during the summer break.

My plan was to spend the summer there, then go straight down south with Lily to start college when the break was over.

Except for Lily, no one else knew I had applied to a school in Florida.

This plan should perfectly avoid any chance of running into Ryan.

Mom still teased me on the phone, "Oh my, are you and Ryan going on vacation together?"

I made up an excuse to deny it, not wanting to explain too much.

I just told her I wanted to spend time with my aunt and grandmother.

I begged Dad to buy me a ticket on the soonest flight. I was planning to fly out that very night.

As I was leaving, I unfortunately ran into Ryan's mom at the entrance of our building.

She warmly greeted me:

"Mia, why are you alone here? Didn't Ryan come to pick you up?

"Didn't he say he was taking you skiing in New Zealand? Go and have a great time, Auntie fully supports you two."

I was a bit confused.

During our intense SAT prep period, I had indeed mentioned to Ryan that I wanted to go skiing in New Zealand to experience winter in the Southern Hemisphere.

But given our current situation, how could we possibly go on a trip together?

However, I was running out of time, so I just hastily made some vague replies before leaving.

But what I didn't expect was that at the airport, I actually ran into Ryan.

He was with a group of friends.

Claire was there too.

Ryan was carrying a woman's handbag in one hand, his other arm around Claire's waist.

They were walking at the back of the group.

From time to time Claire would turn her head to say something to him, and Ryan would always cooperate, patiently bending down to listen.

Not like with me.

Ryan had always been a head taller than me since we were kids, and he kept getting taller.

When I was with him, I always had to jump up and down and lift my head to talk to him.

It turns out he will lower his head for someone he truly cares about.

I took a deep breath.

Telling myself I must have some dignity.

Whatever he does has nothing to do with me anymore. If I keep overthinking, I'll slap myself.

But there seemed to be only one path to the departure gates.

I could only follow far behind them.

Finally, we reached a fork in the path.

Ryan seemed to be getting a bit distracted.

He made several phone calls that didn't go through, then fiddled with his phone for a while.

In the end, he borrowed a friend's phone and walked to a nearby restroom with a gloomy expression.

Not long after, my phone suddenly rang. It was an unknown number.

"Mia, you're really angry this time, huh? You won't reach out to me unless I contact you first?

"You even blocked me?

"If you have the guts, then just keep not contacting me. Let's see who will take care of you when you're all alone in an unfamiliar place in New York."

Ryan's tone was harsh as he berated me nonstop.

I didn't say anything. There was really no way to respond to that.

But Ryan seemed to get even angrier.

"I won't say much more. Hurry up and add me back on SnapChat.

"I'm about to go abroad with some friends for a couple days, so I might not be reachable by phone. Don't worry and cry."